i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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