Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
