he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
My vagina is very pro this idea
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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