If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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