shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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