Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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