My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
