there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
