We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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