my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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