apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
