My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
