My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
