you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
smell my finger.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
