I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
