why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
she pinky promised me she was 18
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
