he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
