Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
