I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
