the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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