i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
