fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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