I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Never joke about your clitoris.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
