Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
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