Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
