Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
