like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
