Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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