I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
