o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
