Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Drunk is not a location!
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
