Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
