I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
