So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
