Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
this just has baby written all over it
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
