Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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