i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How does one acquire holy water?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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