i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
