we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
you would pick up someone in the library
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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