it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
