Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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