i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
