I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize