Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
