He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Randomize
