I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
