2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
