You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize