Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
