From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You dont lie about slip and slides
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
