i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
