a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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