she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Randomize
