you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
