I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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