Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
