i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
